Grad school

I am applying to graduate schools. Specifically master of journalism or similar programs.

I feel like there were some things I missed or could have gotten more experience in some areas. I really do want to become the best journalist I can be - who doesn't want to learn more about what they're obsessed with? 

I'm looking for something that has a "solid foundation" to start, like where everyone goes through the same reporting classes and curriculum. But I'm also looking for a program that either has concentrations like photojournalism, or has a strong multimedia emphasis that encourages journalists to incorporate one or more specialized skills into their study. 

I didn't plan on applying to graduate school. I was going to go out into the world and work! And then I was going to apply anyway. But then stuck with my original, graduate and out into the workforce I go! Now here we are.

I didn't take the GRE (or plan on it) because there were some programs that didn't need it. And I liked them. But the more research I did into programs that did need a score for the application, I realized I should just take the test so I can apply anywhere. 

I signed up for the GRE, maybe 10 days ago, and took it this morning. So here's my reasoning for being insane. Many deadlines are the beginning of December. You can only take the GRE every 20-something days - it's like 21 or 28 - so if I take it now and totally screw up, I have maybe one more chance to take it in November. I'd at least have an unofficial score or something if I needed it. 

I don't think it was terrible though. I have my unofficial scores for verbal and math from today. The next four weeks will be rife with applications, essays and probably some stress crying. 

Any job?

I'm still job hunting. Applications, thoughts about applications, or what I can do to make myself more diverse/skilled/practiced/whatever consume my brain everyday.

Some days it feels like the entire day was dedicated to worrying myself sick about finding a job. Other days I think about it for maybe 20 minutes like one to three times a day. Sometimes I cry because all I want to do is good work that matters to someone and I don't have the resources or platform.

But then I find the "perfect" job or internship and get excited about applying again. I am part of a visual journalists group on Facebook that I was added to after meeting photographers at AAJA. They post jobs and internships and this is where I found an NPR internship for the visuals team as a photo editor. Doesn't that sound like the perfect job?

It's an amazing opportunity to learn from the people who are helping to mold the next generation of journalists - me! How? Sure we listen to NPR, grew up on it. But in school we studied it. In my own life, I studied public radio the most in my Ethics of Mass Media class. Listening to "All Things Considered" or "This American Life" and then weighing in on the ethics of the topic of their stories, or how we would have approached reporting, a retraction, etc. differently. I researched the ethics of publishing extraordinary photographs and cited an "All Things Considered" broadcast about the ethics of photojournalism. These are the people we are modeling ourselves after. Learning what to do and what not to do by their example. It's a big deal internship.

So thinking about jobs 24/7 has me on a rollercoaster thinking, do I just take any job in the field of journalism that comes my way? At what point will I have been out of school too long to be considered for jobs, but still have no "professional" line on my resume? I still refuse to settle. I am not so desperate yet, and I am extremely fortunate that I have this luxury, that I am ready/willing to wait tables to fill my time or put food on the table.

So I am blind with stubbornness and wading through the endless callings for PR assistants and social media interns, feeling my way towards that journalism job.

Mental health

I think I'm pretty open about my health and mental health. But I'm realizing that I'm open about the past. It's hard to see you're going through something when you're in the thick of it. And then talking about it when it's raw... well that is tough. 

I am not going to lie - the last six years have been quite a rollercoaster. But I'm proud of where I am and how I got here. I think these experiences have lead me to I feel more and I'm open to feeling more.

I'm not going to paraphrase Gary Colby's philosophy of photography correctly, but he says photography informs everything and everything informs photography. So for example (kind of), a historical event happens and someone photographs it. The photo runs front-page and the world takes some sort of action. Alright. A person lived through that historical event and now sees the world differently and consciously or subconsciously takes that experience into account when photographing - different angles, lighting choices, timing, etc. I did not explain that well, but I agree with the idea. 

I would like to think I'm empathetic, a concerned citizen, sensitive but resilient and aggressive. These could be character traits that I've picked up or cultivated along the way, but I think it still holds true to this idea. Things have happened to me and now I am who I am. Right? I bring these to my assignments. When I'm out in the field photographing, I make choices because of things I know or experienced, or how I feel the situation needs to be approached. We all make different calls.

So back to health. I have been pretty down about the job hunt. I am refusing to settle. I think I'm being realistic about what I'm qualified for, so it's not like I'm trying to walk onto the photo staff of Nat Geo, but I think for some of the applications I put out I was qualified. And some I was a little bit under-qualified, but you never know. Maybe they will look at someone who doesn't have two years of professional experience. If I'm only missing that requirement... You never know.

I'm rambling. So I am deeply upset about the current status of my employment. However, it's only making me hungrier. I'm not sure if it's a healthy hunger, but I'm going to take advantage of it until I figure it out. 

On that note, I've decided to go back to therapy. You can only dump so much of your job search frustrations on your friends and family before they're sick of you.

So here's the point. I realized something about health and suffering and the correlation it has to my art and passion. I think the more I want to ignore my health and happiness, the more I want to work on random projects. Or not random projects. It's like uncomfortable procrastination - but productive. 

Why have I been doing so much food photography lately? So I can feel like I'm doing something productive without crying in front of my computer while searching JournalismJobs or wherever. 

I also think that when I'm on the other end of the spectrum, happy and obsessed with what I'm doing, I'm productive in arts and passions too. So maybe it's not so much sad = work, but I think maybe it's being numb prevents me from doing work. 

I want to get back into feeling excited. And working hard. So let's keep hustling through this rough patch until I get to show someone how hard I can work.