THE job

Since I found a direction in life I've talked about being a daily shooter at a newspaper in a (big) city. That's like the dream job right now. I want to be in the trenches. Throw me out there. 

BUT I've been waiting around on this internship. Alright, it's the White House. And I didn't want to jinx it so I was doing everything I could to talk about it without naming it. You know? But they have a Photo Office and I interviewed with them and then there was nothing but silence for like two months and I am now on the waitlist. Possibly until September when it starts.

And I've always said I would apply to a job whole-heartedly if something equal or better came around while I was waiting. But like... is there really something better than the White House?

Then the "San Francisco Chronicle" is looking for a photographer. Looking at the description, this is THE job I've been talking about while describing what I want to do. So it's like, crap, maybe there is something out there.

My sister verbally slapped me when I said I wasn't sure if I should apply because of the WH and I would still like to improve my DSLR video skills, *(insert excuse, excuse, excuse), but this is an awesome opportunity. They still have a photo staff. They care about their visuals and the quality of them. I want to be a part of that. 

So I applied. I'm pretty excited. I had kind of given up the dream of being a shooter. I thought I was going to have to do something else in the media and then shoot personal projects.

But if I can be out with the stories and the people - that would be the dream. I have this weird... almost jealousy or envy of the photographers who have the opportunity to run towards danger to cover stories. I think it's like, I want to be that person so badly that it hurts. And they're so composed. In all senses, you know? Their photographs are thoughtful and framed well, the timing is good, and all I can think about is how crazy the atmosphere must be - how professional and focused and determined do they feel? And if I were in that place, would I feel totally thrilled and dialed in on my job?

I want to be that photographer. I ache to be. 

Conferences

I've been going to conferences for the last few months. If I'm going to be sort of sitting around, I might as well do something productive or inform my brain of something.

I've signed up for AAJA's national conference in Las Vegas. It's four days long and I'm staying in the hotel for three. I've volunteered for four four-hour shifts but hope I can see a little of everything I want to see. 

Three days later I'm leaving for NPPA's Women in Visual Journalism conference in Denver. It's two days, but I've recruited an old photography classmate to road trip with me for four days because flights are super expensive. She wants to see the Grand Canyon so we'll go through Arizona there and back through Utah (because I haven't been to Utah).

I'm excited to do all of this. I'm also on the waitlist for the internship I've been mentioning since April. Everyone in my life (the <10 people I've told about it) has an opinion, but I'm hoping my dad's theory is the closest to being accurate: The office I've interviewed with is low on the priority list for needing their one intern and if enough people decline the internship I could be called upon. Hopefully. TBA if I'll be packing my bags.

Fears

I don't know if I've just realized this or I'm now willing to admit to people that I'm scared. I'm afraid of failing at projects or approaching an important subject but executing the production poorly and the results are painful, and I will have lost that important story or whatever and ruined it. 

This is a lot of why I do a lot of talking about video and very little doing. I'm not very good at self-motivating when I'm not passionate about something. So making videos or photo projects to practice but the subjects are painfully uninteresting to me seems... disingenuous? Especially if I'm creating them for portfolio reasons. 

I think a lot of the creative block I'm having is I'm having a hard time finding stories in my life. I do the same things, everyday, while waiting for this response about the internship (yes, the same dream opportunity, but that's an entirely different post) and it's killing my creativity. 

I know I just have to dive in and find something to talk about. When inspiration strikes I need to run with it. 

I photographed granola and one of the photos is up on my studio page but it was a lot of work compared to shooting in the studio with lights. I know that sounds really obvious, but waiting for somewhat good natural light in my house and then I recruiting my sister Sophie to be assistant and hold a crystal bowl and flashlight to make a cucoloris while I stood on a stool and chair over our wobbly table is much more frustrating than I thought it would be. 

Having this vision of the way I would want to light the granola - the angle of light and intensity, etc. - was mostly out of my control besides the flashlight Sophie was holding.

I need to get over myself and my fears because life is passing me by.